He's gone.

Adrina's in Belfast and I'm freakin' out.

Another Littleton. Bernard fathered another daughter who lives in Wales. She's coming to meet us on Tuesday and I'm terribly nervous. I hope she likes us...

Clockwork-powered love from Belfast!

My birthday is on the 19th. Which feels weird. Like...I have to grow up. Which...NEVER!

*cackles*

Though Johan as loathe to leave Alastair's side while he went through the pain of being here long after he should have returned to the Beyond, Johan's brother suddenly reappearing with very little explanation meant that he did have to see him eventually. Alastair understood.

( Reconnecting )

Thomas' money had helped the Littletons through Christmas, and with the dawning of the new year, Lavinia had been paid and she had been able to pay off the bills. Even working less hours it seemed like things might be okay again eventually. They were managing anyway, even if not magnificently.

( Well, that'll loosen you up... )

Con used to drive his cars so fast and I'd scream in the passenger seat with a smile on my face and he'd grin. I used to hold my arms up in the air as the wind rushed over us. It messed up my hair and blinded me. We were reckless and happy and everything was wonderful. I loved any excuse to get into a car with Con. I can remember late nights curling against him in the car, his arm wrapped around my shoulder.

He doesn't drive any more, and all I've wanted to do for years was get behind the wheel and drive forever. I could now, you know. I've got my license and there's nothing stopping me from getting in the car and putting my foot down and never slowing down. I used to want to do that so much. I wanted to drive away from my whole life. I thought if I drove fast enough then I could escape my whole life and myself. But nothing ever would have been fast enough.

I've seen the blood of everyone I loved. I can't go fast enough to get away from that.

Now that I could go I finally know that I won't. I know where I am now and I'm not going anywhere. No car fast enough and I don't feel like driving.

This is my house. It's been my house since I was born and I'm not letting anything take me away. It's mine and even though it comes with baggage so does everything else. The world is bloody and horrible and there's nowhere I could go that would change that. I won't leave and be weak. I'm stronger now than I was before. In some ways, Pat did that. I don't know if that means I wouldn't change anything. Maybe there had to be nothing left so I could build something up.

This is me then. The only one left who's alive and sane, because Con's not that. If he never gets better then I'll look after him forever, and if I have to do it all alone then I will, becuase I know I can. Because he's my brother and he's always taken care of me. I'll never abandon him, because he never abandoned me. We'll stay together and maybe one day he'll get in the car again and we'll just drive.

Have spent the day hanging out with little sister. Since we last lived together, she's hit the legal drinking age and I'm not sure but that might be related to her suddenly being interesting and not so much of a brat. Either that or the fact that she called me wanting to have help finding a student place as she's moving out of the parental move. Smart move, little sister, and I'm pissed that she got to do it at 18 and I was 19 when I moved out.

Anyway, we went flat-hunting and she found a place with some other London Uni students who wanted a student to replace the person who had the room who dropped out. So hurrah for her.

Sister's name is Camilla, by the way. Cami for now, Milla if she likes you. I pointed her towards this blog and she insisted that I add a photo of her. So.(  Taken today... )

It may be sunny, but it's freakin' cold today. Crazy girl.

Christmas was coming, and Lavinia had nothing for her children. Her job at the hospital had ended because a doctor had decided he would rather attept to rape and beat her than help her. She couldn't go back there. She had been turned down for another job at a hospital because she had no formal qualifications, and her hours at one of her waitressing positions had been reduced because it was so close to the holidays and her manager said she had more than one job so the hours should go to people who only had the one job and therefore 'needed them more'. Apparently the fact that Lavinia had six mouths to feed did not enter into the equation when dividing shifts up between staff members.

( Treasure )

I can sit up again! I can breathe! I can stay awake for longer than an hour!

I can't stop coughing for more than 30 minutes, but considering the triumphs up there, not coughing can follow.

Aly is making me lunch and I can smell it and this is very exciting. Welcome to my exciting, exciting, very exciting life.

Seems we aren't the only ones who Bernard Littleton left behind.

I met my half-sister today. She is fifteen (I know) and she's Bernard's daughter alright. She has his eyes. And his name on her birth certificate. And up until his death, he had to dole out money to her mother in exchange for ditching her before the baby was born.

Her name is Galina Metanova, and she said it was alright for me to tell you. She's a shy girl. She's had a hard life. She's going to be in protective custody for a while and after that we'll have to figure out where she'll end up. She's refusing to return to live with her parents and from what I've heard, I don't blame her.

She's a nice girl. A really nice girl.

So. I'm spending my time in the evenings still helping at mother's dance school, and some of the older girls are talking about the new music teacher at LC. and whether he's gay or not, as he has a cute smile and Louisa wants to know if it's "totally not cool" to make a move or not.

Why oh why?! Why does my school have to get a sexually-ambiguous teacher with a cute smile after I LEAVE?

as dear Louisa would say: totally not cool.

My university career is going swimmingly. On land, of course. The first year production for Christmas is about to be picked, and will doubtless be some Shakespeare as that is what we've been studying recently. I met my third-year mentor (you had to sign up at the start and while they're struggling through finals they can give you advice about the start) the other day, the luminous Darla Charpentier. All heterosexual males in my residence are jealous, as she is somewhat of a goddess in the flesh and they said so when she walked back to McKinley with me after coffee. Well, in truth, they said she was a "hot chick." But I swear an Aphrodite comparison is fair ;)

And of course, my New Best Friend (capitals essential) is a great pal ;)

No pictures for today, but I'm trying to find some of me at Halloween. I stole a sheet from mother's cupboards and was Caesar. That is Zombie Caesar, of course, I used makeup and fake blood and got some impressive stab wounds on me ;)

It's two in the morning but I can't sleep, as I'm still buzzed about the show I did in Leeds five hours ago and even the trip up to here - Edinburgh, home sweet home - hasn't diminished that.

I'm at my parent's house and eating all of the food they have in the house. A tip for any musicians about to be sent on tour. Check with your label before you leave what will and will not be payed for. For example, they may provide a van for you and your two lovely roadie type people (Sasha and David you two are saving my life, I swear) and they may provide a hotel room, but they might not, actually, be providing anything in the way of meals. I probably should have assumed that. As such, a sizable chunk of my pocket money is going into feeding myself which I hadn't planned for.

The first show in London was fantastic, but since then nothing has gone so well. The show itself in Bristol wasn't so bad except for the problems we had in setting up. The venue wasn't really big enough for the tickets they'd sold - which is to say it was a very small bar, and not that I'm a superstar with a stadium-like audience - which meant everyone was sort of squashed in and displeased, but hopefully it was better for them once the show actually got started.

The Cardiff show was awful. We got there late to start with, and then the keyboard kept turning off when I pounded too hard on it. The audience was really good about it but afterwards I was feeling a little sorry for myself and as though I'd let people down and all I wanted to do really was crawl into a nice hotel bed and sleep until I had to get up to do the free show the next afternoon.

We went to the hotel to book in - it was almost midnight now - and we were told that it was too late and they weren't allowed to do it at that hour. After trying (and failing) to sway them with the fact that we were very tired and only got into the city with enough time to set up at the venue, we were basically back on the cold street. We ended up sleeping in the van incredibly uncomfortably.

The free show in the afternoon was really great and after telling the audience my troubles they were all so wonderful and sympathetic, with lots of offers to put me up the next time I'm in the city. I think I'll take them up on that.

Next was to Birmingham and where I found out the show was 18+ even though they'd been selling tickets to under eighteens the whole time. I ended up going there two hours earlier and hanging out with the teenagers outside in the line who'd stuck around in the hopes they'd be able to get in. They weren't allowed under any circumstance so I ended up doing a silly little show for them there with me singing about six songs sans microphone and with David backing me up on an acoustic guitar as we blocked the footpath. Then it was inside to do the actual paid for show and trying to keep up my energy when I was feeling angry and depressed over the whole thing. I hope it didn't show but I was really in such a mood after that.

(I realised after we left that I had lost my spiked septum piercing somewhere during the night, which pissed me off no end because I've had it for years and it was my favourite. So in the morning I had to rush around town trying to find an emergency replacement so the hole wouldn't close over.)

The hotel at Birmingham actually let us book in (as we weren't there too late) and we discovered that while Sasha and David were being specifically sent along by the record company to help us out, all the hotel rooms we were being booked into were doubles. So three people and one double bed. You do the math on that one. I ended up buying a blow-up bed for David while we girls took the bed. And thus it would (and will) be for the rest of tour.

Next was to Sheffield and an amazing show with a completely wonderful audience and nothing went wrong! It's almost enough to get a girl hopeful!

The next morning we drove to Leeds and walked around the city, checking out the not-so-exciting sights. (Sorry, Leeds!) The show that night went well and the audience, I think, was the best one so far. Go Leeds go! I got back to the hotel stinking of sweat and with completely gross hair only to find out that the shower didn't work at all. So instead of us staying the night at the hotel I forced my cohorts to exist in a van with me and we carried on to Edinburgh. Here I was greeted by my loving parents (even though it was late) who immediately told me that I smelled awful (awww, parental love ♥) and sent me off to have a shower while they got the others set up with beds and couches for the two nights we'd be here.

They fed me up with the best midnight snack and listened to me complain. Mum said, in a very mum-like way, that I had wanted to be a 'music star' and not any sort of stable career. And although it was probably supposed to be discouraging me from continuing on down this path, it sort of strengthened my resolve.

Fuck the stable path. I get to make music. I get (sort of) paid to make music and that's a dream that so many people will never get to live and I'm damn lucky. I can sleep in vans and skip showers and meals and spend my hard earned cash on blow up beds for fellow musos when it's needed. I wouldn't trade it in.

Tomorrow I have the whole day and night free and I plan to catch up with some old friends and basically let my parents tell me how much they adore me, because that's always fun. Hopefully the show on Wednesday night will be amazing and I hope you'll all still support me even if it turns out kind of shit. I promise I'm doing the best I can, and I'm doing it because I love to do it. Because believe you me, I'm not making anything out of this tour. This is all for love.

Oh, and there is so very much of that ♥

Lavinia and Mad Dog were sprawled on the sofa when Abby burst into their home without knowing first. Not that Lavinia would ever mind the presence of her children, knocking or no, but sometimes it was best to be careful... "My goodness, Abigail. If you had done that fifteen minutes ago, you wouldn't have liked what you saw..."

( Betrayal )

Just in case anyone was wondering, I miss my beautiful girlfriend!

Apparently 'I'm not a social worker' and 'I don't have time' meant nothing when Paul pulled the 'look'. Abby didn't think it was fair that just because one of her friends had been skewered in the midst of rescuing her boss' daughter, that suddenly meant he could get away with anything. What about her?! She had been battle fodder far more times than bloody Paul. She'd been slammed into walls and shot in the neck and yet here she was in her office on a Monday night, looking over a case file Paul had thrown together in two hours because he needed a 'favour'.

( Whoa, Daddy... )

Peter collapsed yesterday and he was taken to hospital. Thank goodness Joe was with him. Apparently his heart was racing and he was ill all over the floor. Which...thank you Joe, for cleaning that up. Abby said his body was trying to fight infection and the antibiotics weren't working. They switched him onto something different and today he's doing so much better!

He's at home again, and sitting up. He ate something, which is wonderful. And he's making his macabre jokes, which means he's feeling better too. I hope he gets over this quickly. He's still coughing a lot and he doesn't want to get out of bed, which marvel at the concept, eh? I'm still so thankful for the improvement.

I'm 42 today! Does this mean I have to start acting like an adult? Because that's such a drag...